Over recent months we came across material that triggered recall of events that took place in the early 2000s. It wasn’t so much that these events were completely missing from my conscious memory, but more so that I had fragments, many fragments, whose separation allowed the continued lack of emotional connection to or understanding of the events they represented. The material we were reading that brought this about was Rudolph Steiner’slectures recorded many years ago; lectures regarding Lucifer, Christ and Ahriman. (See Rudolph Steiner’s The Influences of Lucifer and Ahriman .)
What immediately became apparent to me was that Christ Consciousness was deeply related to Benevolent, Unconditional , Creative Love, as we know it, the compassionate energy that fuels our deep deprogramming and without which our deep deprogramming would not realize continued success, as a journey rather than an event.
Additionally, clear memories numbering many regarding events during 2001 and 2002, starting in Florida just a few months before the events of September 11, 2001, resurfaced with a chronological understanding that allowed our deep emotional connection to these events and the outcome that resulted from them by early Spring 2002. As stated previously in our books, Our Life Beyond MKULTRA, Books 1 and 2, over the course of the decades of our use as an MKULTRA slave, several instances of reprogramming occurred to keep us functional for those who kontrolled and handled us. (Reprogramming being an intensified reinforcement of already existing programs, with “enhancements” during some of these episodes.)
During mid-2001 while living in Florida with a man with whom our sexual programming was being maintained, I recall a deeply profound event related to Unconditional Love consciousness occurring despite our MPD programming and continued use. This event was so Spiritually profound it would lead to our being reprogrammed months later in the early part of 2002 in the deserts of southern California. First I will have to backtrack.
During the summer of 2001, I was staying with my mother in Florida and I recall an argument which broke out between us, and though I do not now recall the subject of that engagement, I do recall that it led to a most unusual event between her and I, a conversation that we had never before had. After the argument, she left the house for a time and during that time I began packing the old “beater” car I was driving with my possessions knowing I had to leave, however terrified to do so. My usual programmed status was one of financial lack and no prospects of places to stay. Despite this, I just knew that I must go. She returned and found my car packed and came inside to find me now in this most calm and Loving space…the fear and anxiety replaced with a calm resolve and lack of any anger. It is remembered clearly by me as gentle without being dissociated, I was quite present and something had shifted in me. I knew we were leaving, but not in anger, instead in a genuine compassion that we must. We would ask her to sit down and we looked her in the eye and told her I needed to go. I remember this fragment as if it were yesterday, sitting on the couch, holding her hand in mine, looking her in the eye while my heart was filled with understanding and Love for her, no blame, just “I must go now,” as she wept deeply while glancing into my eyes as she said, “I don’t understand you,” and I responded, “I know you don’t, you don’t have to, just know I Love you and I am not angry anymore.” She asked me where I was going and I told her I was uncertain and I was going to call a man I had known as a friend for sometime, a man I had had only one date with recently. I would later realize he worked as an unwitting handler during the next few months, a sexual partner in who’s home I would live. However, the depth of Benevolent, Unconditional , Creative Love energy that was surfacing in us during this time could not be kept at bay despite malevolence’s best efforts…and perhaps their arrogance.
After a phone call to him I drove to his home and unloaded our few things with the understanding that I just needed a place for a few weeks, until I could figure things out. At that time I was working in an office in the same town in which he lived, the position brought to me by another male friend. Those few weeks turned into months and though I don’t recall exactly how many, I suspect three or four. What is more important is what occurred in that time; an instance of the most profound conscious experience of Unconditional Love we have had to date, lasting days. I recall this event not only in content, but with the emotion and detail of its truly Benevolent effect upon us. We were responsible for its occurrence in many important ways, meaning we were consciously engaging Benevolent Love in the name of Christ Consciousness for months before this event took place. It would occur in this man’s home while he sat next to me unaware on his couch. The actions that immediately preceded it are mundane, and I recall them in precise, photographic detail.
We had just returned from an evening movie, a film starring Angelina Jolie and it was one of the Tomb Raider films she did, the title I don’t recall but it was released in 2001. Once home, my friend said he had a song he wanted me to listen to, a Christian artist despite his aversion to religion and anything related to it, he said he saw this song as a love song more than anything to do with religion. It was not about Jesus, at least not in lyrics, it was however about love. So I sat on the sofa in the living room and he put it on and came over and sat by me. What I recall happening then is clearly about another level of consciousness, one that took me into a profound space of Love, one that was a dual consciousness, an awake hyper-sensitive consciousness allowing me to interact with him, at least somewhat, while also being literally immersed in Love at the same time. This had absolutely nothing to do with this man nor anyone else in particular, it was a full on Spiritual experience of being enveloped by Benevolent, Unconditional, Creative Love while I sat in the “world of man” at the same time. I was no stranger to duality in waking consciousness by this time in my life as I was having major programming breakdowns and bleed-through, yet this was a conscious experience I had never to this degree had before. It was not the first encounter of this powerful Love energy, but its intensity and lasting effect would be new to me. It would last for three days, no matter where I went and who I encountered.
As I sat there on the sofa listening to the song and also listening to my friend’s occasional interjections, a feeling came over me, literally descended upon me. I could not only feel it, I could see it as it descended. I began to weep as I felt an envelopment by a Purity I had not consciously known before and quite honestly did not, in that moment, know how to name. It was ineffable, so deeply profound, I recall time again shifting, becoming gentler, softer, and I turned to my friend as he asked, “What do you think? Do you like it? Nice huh?” I can still see his face, completely outside of and unaware of what was reaching inside of me, even a bit perplexed, though gratified, by my tears. I could also feel his pleasure at the idea he hoped to transmit from my listening to it; a romantic connection between a man and a woman.
I don’t recall our exact verbal response, however I do recall knowing I could not express to him what was occurring, that I was limited in word and he in consciousness. The “love” he acknowledged in the song was one of a man and a woman and I could not in any way in that moment reveal the encounter I was having, it felt as if I would disgrace It if I dared try, that it would fall on deaf ears. It was not a harsh judgment on him, but rather an objective observation of the conditions of both worlds in which I sat at that moment. I literally could see and feel this veil dropping over me, from above, and in that moment of it touching me I knew what was meant by “the Holy Spirit descends upon me.” Though I am not in the least steeped in religious terms or traditions (the “me” of the frontline alter system), it was a term I now knew deeply in an experiential way, not intellectually. All I knew after It’s descent was, “I am in Love.” All things began to exist in beauty…everything. The delineations of age or gender, of size and color, of anger and love, of man and woman, of time and space, completely dissolved. I had not lost all recognition of them, instead they held no delineation, no import, as if they never really existed…they were no more. However, at the same time our perception of our surroundings was exquisitely intensified, with smell, taste, touch, hearing and sight having a crispness I had before experienced in space-time alterations, yet unable to explain from my “shell” personality that was designed to allow others of us to function in this “world of man.” This time, like other experiences growing more frequent, I was still present. I, along with others of us, was a Witness to this Christ Consciousness that for some unknown reason at that time had Graced my unexplainable existence. What I recall was that in the months preceding this event I had entered a state of compassion and forgiveness that I had up to that point in my life not experienced, starting in our limited conscious recollection of leaving my mother with Love that day some few months before.
What occurred over the next three days is also in fragments, but the feelings and fragmented visual memories hold that same Unconditional Love. I recall walking the beach nearby and with every person who walked past us, there were no judgments passed by me, delineation still absent from our consciousness. I can still see them as they walked by, as our eyes met, my heart filled with a bliss that emitted to them their Unconditional beauty, no matter height nor weight, color nor age, man nor woman, I was seeing Spirits of Creation, and all were beautiful. Often their reactions to our eyes meeting theirs reflected this, though I do not know if it was perceived as such specifically or just as a Light emitted by me and the newfound conscious Spirit now alive in me.
All the while our life in our MKULTRA fueled “world of man” continued in the home with this man, however, even he remarked of our energy though more as an ongoing recognition, not just during these few days. Things such as how sensuous we were, how aware of our body and the space around such we were. He told me that often when he passed me in the kitchens tight space, if he brushed against me a low moan erupted, one I was not aware of. He said he had never encountered a woman such as us, and most certainly for the obvious reasons, he had not. I do not believe in this instance he was aware of the handling he provided, most of it sexual in nature due to our programming. I also believe during these events my kontrollers and handlers were watching closely, albeit deciding to allow things to occur if only to observe what would happen. It would not be but a few months hence they would decide that action to reprogram us would be required, and they would do just that with me going to the place where that would occur, once again triggered to follow a lifetime of codes and instructions. But before this, there is more to tell.
I remember after this several significant things happening. During sexual encounters with this man I no longer reached orgasm, nor cared to take his offers for such, though still pleasing him sexually. The ability of our sex alters was removed in that they could no longer exercise full programmed kontrol over me once the usual programmed sexual triggers were presented. It was a peaceful feeling, distanced from the sexual encounter, a feeling that was gentle and calm.
One night within the months following this veil of Love’s descent, I awoke in the bed the man and we shared to a disturbing and profound feeling. It was clearly an alter-ed consciousness, however, I was fully present as well–the dual consciousness becoming all too familiar at this point in our lives. This energy running through me was extreme and disconcerting, creating a degree of anxiety and confusion, as well as a raging hunger. I first went into the bathroom and put on the light to look in the mirror as I could feel I was not me…and yet I was also. For some reason I turned to look at my lower torso on my backside in the mirror and discovered a bright red, perfect circle about two inches across at the base of my spine. As soon as I saw it, the word “Kundalini” came to mind and the energy I was experiencing throughout my body was “snake” energy, this I knew though did not understand. This energy was not even remotely associated with the Love I had experienced, it was clearly something else, something without gentleness, without compassion and clearly absent Love. This energy, particularly after the profound Love veil, was from a different source, one without joy, one present pervasively in the “world of man.” (For some years now we know the source of this energy—Lilith, queen of darkness and sexual energy.)
Perhaps the most painful part of this story, aside from the eventual reprogramming, is the exiting of this Conscious Love from my consciousness of everyday life. It was excruciating as I felt It slowly exit over the course of a day or so. What took It’s place was a depression and hopelessness that reeked havoc on our mind, body and soul. We and I were once again at the mercy of our malevolent kontrollers, albeit with the faint taste of True joy still in my mouth. I wanted to die once again, with many of those inside of me as well. This is where the programming and alters took over again, hence my fragmented memory of events that followed, though event s clearly run by our handlers until once again the Love would surface into our everyday “world.” However, when that time came, our kontrollers would observe it again for months, then send us to California accompanied by another innocent Living in Christ Consciousness to “remove” its conscious presence, using means to see to it that it remained so.
From Florida we recall taking a Greyhound bus to San Diego, California in August of 2001 where our back pack would disappear for three days requiring we remained in San Diego during that time. Strange events occurred during that time and we are certain we were being utilized by our handlers, though specifically for what and for whom, we cannot say.
For reasons clear to me now though not then, the manager of the Greyhound station took it upon himself to get me a hotel room for those three days and take me to my choice of stores for food, all of which he paid for out of his own pocket, asking me to keep it between us. Clearly one of our handlers, I am uncertain if sexual favors were rendered? Actually, I recall little of those three days, save a few fragments on locations in San Diego. It would turn out three days later that a call from the Greyhound station revealed, “…it appears your backpack was here all along, sitting in the bottom cargo hold of an empty bus parked in our lot across the street…sorry…you can pick it up and resume you trip into Mexico.” Yeah…o.k.
Being a well programmed slave, we did just that passing through San Ysidro on Greyhound into the Baja Peninsula for whatever disgusting and volatile “on tasks” our kontrollers sent us there to do. Unfortunately, on this occasion I have a few fragments, one which makes me want to vomit (purge, per programming—the bulimic one.) I am on foot having hitch-hiked down Baja part way and I am walking up to a house either in Mulege’ or near it, in which lives an older man who I do not recall meeting up with in my consciousness, however not only know I did, I can see him from the back through an open window as I approach his home. A disgusting and revolting old man…someone we know, but cannot remember…someone I knew before going there…but cannot name. A programmer? We know so, though also do not know, not in a way we can explain to anyone. A “task” was performed in Mexico, though I do not know specifically what or where. However, the next fragment is me awakening in the morning in late August/ early September 2001, with the startling thought, “Get out, now!” Meaning, “get out of Mexico by any means necessary.” Now I did not travel with much means, finances were always demanding extreme budgeting (a lifelong programmed state we still struggle with), however, on this morning when I visited the ferry that travels across the Sea of Cortez from La Paz, Baja (where I awoke in a cheap pension) to Los Mochis on mainland Mexico, I discovered that I would have to wait two days for an available ferry. Per our apparent programmed in message, that was “too long.” I then spent $100 dollars to fly in a small plane instead, an unprecedented amount of money for me to spend on such a short distance. Also made very clear to us, our destination was to be “Tucson, Arizona,” a frequent location for training and programming. I recall arriving in Tucson by some sort of private coach, a van with others in it. Then the next thing I recall is being in a cheap motel on what I believe is Miracle Mile road, a section known for drugs and prostitution. I did not know this, but found out after I was propositioned as I stood waiting at a bus stop one day near the motel.
Most important is what took place while in that motel for less than a week.
I received a phone call in my room on the morning of September 11, 2001 from the man I had been living with in Florida, though I only vaguely recall his knowing I was staying there. As a matter of fact, I think, but am uncertain, that he paid for the room for a week or so. He had called to tell me to turn on the television because the Twin Towers in New York had been hit by planes. I did this as I sat on the end of the bed watching the events and recall not feeling anything about it. I am not proud of this, however, it is the truth. I could not feel anything, I was observing these events and felt no surprise nor any real sadness for those inside the buildings, I just watched. I cannot say with certainty why this happened this way though I have fragmented information that may explain it.
Someone in us had prior knowledge of this directly related to our trip to Baja. What I am relaying here is this, so please read carefully; during our programmed, “on task” trip to Baja Mexico, we either encountered information about this impending planned attack on New York or participated in relaying information regarding this planned attack through our programmer (in Mulege’), kontrollers and/or handlers.
Our reaction while sitting on the end of the bed watching and for a brief time listening to our friend on the phone express his devastation, I clearly recall absolutely no surprise nor any normal emotional response, even trying to sound as though I did in alliance with my friend. I do not believe I was anymore deeply involved in this planned attack than as a slave who encountered information via one of the two avenues mentioned above. It is in our memory, just not in my memory.
Shortly after, I attained work in the local hostel run by two Canadian brothers, one married from British Columbia, the other single from Montreal. By December, the married brother longed to go home to be with his family and could not due to the Montreal brother being unable to gain his normal access to the United States due to the border restrictions implemented after September 11, 2001. I suggested covering for him until he could gain entry, something we all believed would happen within a matter of a couple of weeks. It did not and I wound up running the hostel and the apartment complex across the street for approximately two months. Several accessing events took place during this time, some of which occurred out in the west desert area known as Saguaro National Monument and its environs. Our east side visits were utilized as well, also Saguaro National Monument with Tucson splitting it in two sections.
Shortly after the Montreal brother’s arrival, another man showed up at the hostel seeking work. I became very ill immediately before this and this new employee would arrive just in time to cover my shifts while I was bed ridden. He and we and several others shared one of the apartments across the street from the hostel which worked as an employee co-ed dorm. Over the course of the next month it became apparent that this man and I had a common devotion, one we referred to as attempting to live in Love, or the Christ consciousness, both terms were used by each of us. Neither of us openly discussed this, though clues were shared in conversations throughout our days and nights, unbeknownst to the others present. We were engaging in a esoteric language about Christ and Love, and each of us noticed this in the other, saving further engagement for times when we could be alone. We both felt it too Sacred to talk about where it was not welcomed or understood, and our presence with one another brought it out in both of us…Where two or more are gathered….
By the middle of January 2002, we loaded ourselves up in Hi-Me’s truck (his nick name), and set off in the direction that we picked; southern California. To the utter amazement of the single brother hostel owner, I was leaving him and his offer of a large sum of money for marriage (so he could become a citizen of the United States) to go we didn’t know where with little money and this man who was all of five foot five, stocky with a crew cut and Coke-bottle thick glasses. A journey started with Unconditional Love that would lead to reprogramming for me in the Death Valley of California. Apropos name for the location of the deed done, but only after almost two months of further union in Benevolent, Unconditional, Creative Love for Hi-Me and us in the Joshua Tree National Monument in the middle of winter. Neither Hi-Me nor I was interested in a sexual relationship, we were independently already “in Love” and now feeling very Graced by the presence of another of like heart and mind…and things happened due directly to that shared encounter.
My ability to engage in Love was not completely thwarted at this point by our programming, our Higher self being very consciously present, if only at times during my conscious. I do not believe I was completely free of programming, just as I do not think that even today. However, what I consciously experienced cannot be denied, especially by those not present for the events. What occurred in the desert was manifest in Love, by two living It, and this often even came through as actual physical manifestation of items needed out there…as it from thin air. Some will undoubtedly not believe this to be true, however, they were not there. Telepathic communication was routine, as was the sharing of each of our thoughts and understandings about this Love. We were living in a world parallel to the “world of man,” conscious of and in both simultaneously. I have not experienced this prior nor since, to my recollection. I choose to not reveal the specifics of what took place for Hi-Me and me prior to the reprogramming trip to Death Valley, it is quite real and quite Sacred to me.
Benevolent, Unconditional, Creative Love, the Love that I know to be of Christ Consciousness, was leading the way for this brief time in 2002 for the two of us. I also no longer doubt that our programming brought us out to the southern California desert. I believe my kontrollers (and possibly my programmer in the flesh?) was watching and observing before deciding when to send me to Death Valley for a reprogramming session. That would indeed occur after driving all day and covering approximately 300 miles and finding a camp site. The next morning both Hi-Me and we awakened in sleeping bags in the winter cold aware that something was very wrong. After a brief discussion of this with no conscious memory of the previous night’s details and me not even able to get out of my sleeping bag, as well as a Stealth Bomber appearing over head in the empty canyon we awoke in, we looked at each other and agreed that we needed to immediately pack up and drive back to Joshua Tree National Monument!
Things began to change for Hi-Me and us after Death Valley, though it took time. Our eventual decision to go to Sacramento and then Flagstaff where he sold his truck quickly and cheaply and then we boarded a Greyhound bus to Florida, would all culminate in a loss of conscious memory of that Christ Consciousness for us. I am certain that the trip to Death Valley was programmer intervention through me and was designed to bring me “home” to them for further use.
In Florida, I again wound up at my mothers and I recall the deep despair and pain again entering our life. That was in the spring of 2002, when all was again lost to our alter’s journeys. I would not recall consciously that healing and gentle interaction with the Christ Consciousness until recently during the summer of 2013…more than 11 years later. During those years I was abused and used by my programmer’s, kontrollers and handlers to continue their bidding.
This was not the first reprogramming in our lives with malevolence, not in the least. However, what will now forever stay in my conscious mind is what occurred in that time, before Hi-Me and with Hi-Me, a Witness to the Truth of Benevolent, Unconditional, Creative Love’s gift through Christ Consciousness, if one can open to It and willingly take the journey in It.